Spoiled Prince's Journal

I don't really remember the first time I got depressed. I think it was after one of my friends at High school betrayed me. I cried a lot, everything seemed sad and pointless so I was just sleeping my way through life until I got better.

But I've started to think about suicide long before this. Maybe even in elementary school. I thought that I was a burden to everyone and that it would be best if I just disappeared.
But I was too much of a coward to try doing anything serious. The worst thing I did was cutting myself with various sharp objects. I think I've done this for the first time when I was 11 or 12.

I always wondered - If I die, who's going to miss me?
I knew for sure that my Mother and Grandmother will, but who else?
I even thought about faking my death to see for myself.

But I'm trying to be strong. I don't think I'll ever commit suicide because it's an irreversible thing. What if I'm going to regret it later (I hope there is a "later" after death).
I'm trying to survive everything life throws at me. But sometimes it's just so hard...

Right now I'm really depressed. It's because a few days ago I've completely lost my hope to be with the person I love. It's just not possible.
Everything seems gray, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I have no reason to do anything, I'm crying every time I see his face in my mind.
Yesterday my Mother caught me crying. I was always hiding it, this was the second time she saw me in this state. She was worried about me but I lied to her that it's because of school. What was I supposed to tell her? That I've fallen in love with a guy who's so far away and is not for me? I know that would hurt her and I don't want to hurt anyone. I know she'd try to cheer me up, but I don't need anyone to do this for me.
I just... want someone to love me. To hug me when I'm crying. But nobody ever wanted to. I'm so lonely.
And now I've lost my final hope.

I don't know what's going to happen to me now.
I think I'll just go to sleep.